free my mind

Another lesson learned. Am I really wearing my heart on my sleeve? I don’t think so…
I just have high hopes for people. One of the worst things you can do is expect so much from someone other than yourself.

Sometimes you need to be alone. Nights like this. Away from home, even away from the people you want there most. Nights you can cry without someone trying to consult you. Nights you can take in some fresh air. Know what its really like to breathe. Nights you can think about what really matters to you.

I’m sitting here, searching for reason. I’m sitting here waiting for answers. I feel as though I’ve been looking and waiting for so long. I’m so young, why do I feel this way? Why is it that the one thing I want, the only thing I need, can’t stay?… Can’t reach me? Is it so rare?

I wish I didn’t want. I wish this feeling of longing would just leave my body. I want to be at peace. I want a day to go by, a night before I fall asleep, to just not think about it.

I know, things could always be worse. I know I am blessed. I know that I am young, and I still have my whole life to live. I remind myself these things. I don’t need to be reminded. I just want things to be fixed. I am as impatient as they come.

I have to face it though… I am in love alone. Hah. Karma is a bitch. You never mean to break someones heart, but you do. They never mean to break your heart, but they do. It’s a horrible cycle.

I know I’m a good person. I know I’m a good girl. I don’t mess around with guys like so much of these girls nowadays do. I’m different. I see things different. I feel things different.
Why can’t I find different? Why won’t it find me? Why not now?

I feel as though I’ve already proven myself. I am more than capable. Why is this being thrown at me? I’m tired of it. I’m so tired of it. I want something so simple! I get a glimpse, a feel, a taste, and then it gets taken away from me. It gets torn apart. People are so corrupt. I’m so sickened. I don’t want them. I don’t want to be like them.

I’ve been sitting here for an hour. A huge piece of me hoping to hear from that one person.

But don’t you see, darling? He’s not the one. For if he was the one this wouldn’t be happening. If he was the one you wouldn’t be sitting there. Or perhaps, you would… with him by your side. If he was the one he would have called you… a long time ago. So you see… he’s not the one. You love someone who doesn’t love you the same. You’re different. You haven’t found different yet.

Why don’t you go home? It’s one in the morning, and rainy out.
Be patient.

… and I remind myself every. day.

It’s been a while.  I don’t write as often as i used to.  In fact, i don’t quite remember the last time i did half the stuff i used to.  I feel as though things are all over the place.  My mind doesn’t know how to stay still.  I feel as though it’s getting harder to breathe.  I wish everything was calm.

I really can’t complain about much.  Work is fine.  I even got a raise.  School went well.  I have health insurance.  I’m getting back in sync with my doctor appointments.  I’m doing a bunch of things for the summer.  Yet, i still feel somewhat empty inside.  It’s insane how you can surround yourself with a bunch of people and still feel competely alone.

So much is on my mind.  I’m waiting on answers from several different people.  The wait is starting to get to me.  What’s worse is that I don’t know who to talk to about certain things anymore.  I feel as though it’s rather difficult to find someone who understands me.  To find someone i can trust myself with wholeheartedly.  Everytime i feel as though i’m getting close it somehow slips from my fingertips.

The same thoughts i fall asleep with are the same ones i wake up to.